sober and single.

Some darkness is setting in. The weather is gloomy and the sun is gone. Long nights; they end close to 8am and begin around 4 in the afternoon. The holidays are looming, and I don’t care. This will be my first Christmas without my partner and his son in 10 years. Sometimes I feel as though I’m being punished. Although I’m not quite sure what I’ve done. Lately, it’s harder to stay sober. I don’t crave alcohol so much as the feeling of being numb. I want something to take this all away, make the feelings go. I crave relief.

I feel like I should write posts that are positive, full of the benefits of sobriety. The truth is, it’s hard sometimes. While I am still 100% committed to my sobriety and sure that being sober is the best possible thing for me, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. I think humans naturally want to find a way out of their suffering. We are hardwired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Being sober doesn’t mean that I have found a way out of this human condition.

The truth is that I am dealing with some depression and anxiety right now. Or maybe I am still in grief, I am not sure. My ex-partner has already moved on with someone else, and there are rumours that he was having an affair during our relationship, although he denies it. The last couple of weeks I have felt a new level of grief. The sinking realization that it is truly over.  The pain that comes with being rejected. The lingering feeling that perhaps I meant nothing to him at all. I know on an intellectual level that I am just telling stories to myself with that last statement. He was a good husband for many years and I know he loved me very much. Sometimes I used to think that he loved me more than I loved him. I don’t think I loved him very well actually.

While I did love him and thought we would spend our lives together, I also always had the feeling that he wasn’t the love of my life. I could never say that about him. Maybe that is something you can only say in retrospect though? So maybe it will turn out that way. All I know is that I miss him so much. But I wouldn’t get back together with him. What does that mean?

The way I feel right now is that I don’t understand love. What does it mean to be in love? How should that feel 5, 10, 20 years into a relationship? I know that love changes over time. I loved him- deeply- but I don’t know that I was in love with him towards the end. What I felt for him was a family type of love, not blood related family but I guess partnership is the right word. He was my home. My person.

It’s early days for me yet, but I am wondering what my future with relationships will look like. I don’t know very many single people. Everyone seems to be coupled with families. How do I even meet someone? While sober? I know I don’t need to worry about this right now as I’m not ready to date anyways, but it’s still hard not to think about. In the past, I’ve always met men through friends or hanging out, and always there has been large amounts of alcohol involved. It’s how I’ve connected with men in the past. I don’t think I’m incapable of connecting with someone sober- but I don’t even know in what scenario I would connect with someone sober. I don’t go out very much and when I do it’s with girlfriends or friends who are in relationships. I work in a field that is 90% women. I can’t even think about online dating. Yet, anyways.

It’s a different phase of life… dare I say I am approaching middle age. Sober and Single. It’s a completely new reality for me. I’m trying to just give myself time to be in the discomfort and not try to “fix” it. I don’t know what the future will bring. Anything could happen and I think it’s important that I stay open. Grounded and centred within myself and my sobriety, but open to possibilities and new experiences. Trusting that my life is unfolding as it should.

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21 thoughts on “sober and single.

  1. Clearlee,
    I am very sorry.
    You are experiencing a big loss.
    This isn’t erased overnight.
    Life is not easy, that’s for sure.
    But I am happy you are not drinking.
    I know if I lost my hubs and started drinking, I’d be a big mess very fast.
    Trusting yourself and staying open is a wonderful outlook!
    Much Love,
    Wendy

    • Thank you for your kinds words, Wendy. It has been a big loss, that is for sure. I am SO happy i am not drinking. I know that could turn out very poorly for me. Just got to take it one day at a time.
      Love.

  2. Big hug.
    Life changes are hard times. All I know is that things never turn out as we worry they might…and that somehow the secret is to be as kind and gentle and careful with yourself as you can right now.
    It is a loss. The loss of the familiar is very scary…

    Keep writing. We all have lots of love to send to you.
    Anne

    • Thanks Anne. Yep, it’s a big loss and one of the hardest things I’ve been through. I’m getting through it, just lots of ups and downs. I know that life never turns out the way we expect it to. To be honest I don’t have a lot of expectations anymore! Just to be happy and to be of service. love to you.

  3. I am sorry you are hurting. Please take good, kind, extra care of yourself in the coming months. You are amazing…embarking on a sober-life, and coping with a major upheaval. Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you would a friend who was going through a hard time. Stay connected…maybe therapy, church, AA, fitness/yoga group (or whatever you like/want to do)… It’s important to have some support… plus lots of sleep and water and good food…maybe also some treats you can look forward to.
    Hugs to you,
    Jenn

    • Thank you Jenn. I am fortunate to have lots of wonderful friends that have been supporting me through this time. And in the last couple of weeks, I went to 2 AA meetings because I thought I needed the extra support. Still not really my cup of tea, however. Finding some kind of church/spiritual group might be a good idea. I do have a lot of time on my hands now! xo

  4. Rejection is very painful, it must be really hard and it must feel like your world has turned upside down. Anne is right be gentle and kind to yourself. The relief you crave isn’t in a bottle. No amount of alcohol with soothe your broken heart. Sending you love & light xxx

    • You’re absolutely right- it does feel like my world has turned upside down.
      I will take xtra good care of myself. I know there is no relief in a bottle, only more pain and suffering.
      Thank you for your words 🙂

  5. First of all terrific write. Second of all you write what you feel forget positive negative just write and write some more. Finally inponder the same things you do I’m 52 7 months sober and wondering how I’ll ever meet someone sober. Then I realized it will just take some work there are sober people on the planet lol. I’m not ready either but I will tell you a place like match isn’t bad place to reach out and make friends. Set the parameters for your partner and have fun with it. Low cost safe efficient. You never know

  6. My boyfriend is really supportive of me at the moment as I’m trying to quit drinking… I just read this post and I got goosebumps because I also think that sometimes I don’t love him as good as he should be loved, and that he loves me too much. What would I do if he leaves me? He is my pillar at this moment!!!

    • My partner was my biggest support. But I did have other supports too. and now I have a lot more! I’m sure the same thing won’t happen to you, but even if it does, you can get through it! If I did, anyone can 🙂

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