I’m back. Wish I could say that I’m better than ever, but sadly, that’s not true.
Not exactly sure how I feel about the word “relapse”, but it’s one easy way to say what happened while I was gone. The short version is that I stepped away from all my sober supports, thinking “I got this, I am a normal person now”. I went through some stressful stuff this summer, but just normal life stuff. Then I thought, whilst on the “normal train”, that perhaps I could drink again like a regular person. And, actually, to my surprise, that lasted a little while.
My first drink I didn’t even finish. I thought “what the hell is all the fuss about, it doesn’t even taste good”.
I didn’t crave another one. But, about two weeks later, I had another. It tasted a little bit better. For a while I just had a drink or two on the weekend. Then, occasionally with dinner on a weeknight, but just one. Then, it was two. I kept this up for a time.
Things started to change about a month ago. I started to look forward to having a drink in the evening, and a few nights I stopped at a bar on the way home from work (which I never even did when I was drinking big time). Then I started buying wine every other day from the liquor store. And the old tricks started back up, of which I won’t go into detail here because I’m not fully ready to admit them.
Actually, scratch that. I need to admit them… I started hiding how much I was drinking.
I have still been able to take a day or two off from drinking, and I can’t say that I’ve been “drunk”, but I’ve definitely drank too much and felt like shit at work.
I know too much now to not realize where I am heading.
I don’t feel as low as when I did when I stopped last time… but I could well be on my way. The negative thinking has creeped it’s way back into my life and it’s probably only a matter of time before I can call myself properly depressed.
I know it doesn’t have to be this way.
You know what the funny thing is, is that it’s not that I want to stop drinking so much as I miss being sober. There is a difference and it’s hard to define but I miss the path I was on before. I feel a bit lost.
So, here I am. Still on this journey. I don’t know quite how I will get back to sobriety but I am determined to.
Hope you are all well- I’ve been checking in from time to time and it’s good to see some people are still here- brings me hope that I can be here again too 🙂