This is craving. It starts as just a thought, an idea, and worms it’s way out of your brain into your stomach and chest. It pulses through your veins. It fills your lungs with every breath. It rests behind your eyes. You feel it in your groin. Toes tingle with it. Jaw clenches. It envelopes you. It envelopes me. I am enveloped.
But I can’t drink tonight. Or any night in the near future. Even though I want to so bad. How can I so easily forget how miserable I am when I drink? Why does the memory work like this- forgetting all the self-loathing, the hangovers, the tortured soul- only to remember how that first glass of wine tastes so smooth and velvety and warms me from the inside out? My addicted self chooses only to remember the pleasant times. I can’t even mention the not-so-pleasant times out loud. Robs me of dignity. Maybe that’s why I can forget so easily- shame blocks it out.
I made a new prayer today- addressing it to myself and love- and started my day with it along with 5 minutes of meditation. I am on day 7 of not drinking. I’m taking an anti-alcohol medication called antabuse. It makes you very ill if you drink so is a big deterrent. The craving is still there but it’s easier to control because I know I can’t drink. It’s like being pregnant or something. The goal is to have enough sober time to learn new habits and see what life is like without drinking. So far, I am bored. I need some new hobbies. Going to get back into yoga (when my wrist is better) and also going to take up swimming and running at a fitness centre. On Thursdays I am going to start going to a meditation/buddhist insight group. I might take golfing lessons this summer too. That’s the first challenge- get busy pursuing my interests. Next, I’ll tackle sober socializing.