state of morning.

I feel better in the mornings.

I used to date a guy with a serious alcohol problem, back before I really had one myself. Although he was a heavy drinker, he was a morning person and he used to joke that his day went downhill from noon on. Maybe because that’s when he usually started drinking. His mornings were often filled with working (cooking), surfing, painting, or being out in nature, and then when he started drinking his day got messier and his mind got murkier.

He was a mean drunk. I woke up one morning and he was on his knees pissing on me, in a drunken stupor. When I woke up and shouted at him to stop, he told me to fuck off, lay back down and went to sleep. That’s when I finally broke it off with him. Which wasn’t easy because we were living in a tent on a beach in Costa Rica.

But that’s a story for another time.

Anyways, I wouldn’t doubt it if I were influenced by him in appreciating the morning. I love the quiet. I love it when it’s still a bit chilly from the cool night air. Even if (especially if) it’s going to be a hot sunny day, there’s that unmistakeable refreshing feeling first thing. I love the newness of the morning. The promise of it.

I never felt much like drinking in the morning, so it’s a “safe” space for me. No triggers. Of course, when I was drinking heavily myself, mornings were often filled with headaches, dehydration, nausea, and sadness. Which is what makes them so much sweeter in sobriety. What used to be filled with feeling sick, tired, and mountains of regret, is now filled with clarity, lightness, and hope. I can now really let in the beauty of the morning, and let it consume me instead of seeing it from an arm’s distance away. Trying to grasp it with not long enough fingers.

_____

My 10 year relationship is over. I move out soon into a cute little apartment in a small older style building in a different, more urban part of the city. I’ve actually never really lived on my own. Before I moved in with my partner, I pretty much always had roommates or partners to live with. I’m afraid. Sometimes I am so frightened that my chest (my heart?) feels like it’s in a vice grip and my stomach is in knots.

I don’t do alone very well. All my fears are coming up. Abandonment, rejection, being unloveable. I think I need to be with someone else to feel complete. My twisted thoughts tell me that I don’t have value unless someone wants to be with me.

Damn. Those are the reasons that I drank- so as not to be alone with myself and these feelings. Through the process of getting sober I thought I had dealt with all that. Turns out I was wrong… It’s still there. I still have work to do because I know those thoughts aren’t true. But I don’t know at the same time, some part of me still believes it.

In the morning I can better connect to the part of myself that knows my worth, and that knows I will be okay. Sometimes I even feel excitement for this new stage in my life- new freedoms, opportunities, the unknowns. I am curious of where life will take me now. I am always amazed at where it does. Maybe it’s in the newness of the day that I can connect to those feelings of wonder. Maybe it’s the quiet in the morning that allows me to feel confidence. I don’t know exactly what it is but right now I wish I could live in a perpetual state of morning.