on the mend.

After many starts and stops, since last fall, including two 3-week periods, I have finally managed to make it to well over a month alcohol-free. Today marks 41 days.

This is significant to me because it takes 40 days to change consciousness and create new habits, according to yogic philosophy and other schools of thought.

My relapse lasted a very very long time. I have been trying to get sober again for almost 6 months. My recommendation for others who think they may want to check out drinking again, is not to do it. Of course, we all have to experience things for ourselves and some of us need to learn the hard way. But, if you can take my word for it, please do yourself a favour and DO NOT DRINK.

I haven’t written for a long time, I think I’ve been waiting to see if I can get a good chunk of sober time in. I went to Mexico for two weeks early February and I really thought I had set myself up to have a good sober vacation. I visualized myself on this vacation, being well-rested, going to bed early and waking early, taking long solitary walks on the beach, reading a ton, doing some art, and writing.

What I didn’t imagine was all the happy hours, cheap drinks, and booze infused touristy places. My husband drank every day (not to excess but a few beers every night). I cracked sometime in the middle of the trip when I got a strong whiff of tequila (tequila was my go-to drink for a few years). I drank some tequila, then some wine.

And I was devastated the next day. You know how it goes, it’s like a seal that is broken and hard to secure again. However, I only drank a few more more times. I had one hangover, and that was enough. I couldn’t stand it. I absolutely hate being hungover. It just feels like such a waste of life to me. So, I climbed back up on that wagon and kept on.

This time feels a bit different than last time I got sober- in some ways easier because I have been here before, but in some ways harder because some of the romance of early sobriety is gone. All of those “firsts” are challenging but they are also so rewarding and exciting. I haven’t experienced the pink cloud this time around (yet?). And I feel tired all the time.

Still wouldn’t trade it! I am growing calmer. I’ve had an extraordinary amount of anxiety over the last 9 months or so. Since we moved homes. Then I changed positions at work and I hated it. So I started drinking again, which I’m sure was to quell the anxiety but, of course, it only made it worse. Then my friend and godson moved, which turned my world upside down.

To top it all off, I broke my arm at the beginning of this year. I wasn’t drinking when I did it but it was enough to break the camel’s back, as they say.

Since then, things have been getting better. The neighbour which was making my home feel unsafe moved away! I changed positions (again) to a much more calm and civilized  department. My cast is off and arm is healing. I’m getting used to my friend being away. I have a good chunk of sobriety now. I am on the mend!

Bit by bit it’s all happening. I have started to move my body again, spending a little time at the gym and doing some yin yoga. I am looking forward to green smoothies and eating healthy. I’ve started meditating a few minutes at a time again. Spring is here and it’s time to feed my soul by spending time outside in the woods and by the sea.

Being sober is everything.