a sober mess.

A solid two weeks of sobriety under my belt. I’m trying not to beat myself up for falling off the wagon this summer- I would have had 16 months by now if I had stayed the path. And I wouldn’t be navigating all these sober challenges again.

However, part of what is keeping me sober this time is the knowledge that I have done this before, I have navigated events and holidays and hard times all without a drink and I can do it again.

That doesn’t make it easier though. Yesterday I struggled a lot. Thought about drinking in the morning- which I wish I could say I have never done but that would be a lie. Back in my 20’s I definitely had boozy times that began (or kept going) in the morning.

I went out for dinner and to a game last night and fought cravings and the “fuck-its” the entire time. But as much as I wanted a giant glass of alcohol, I was also terrified to give up on these last two weeks. It has been so hard and I don’t want to have to do it all over again. I’m already doing it all over again and I regret relapsing this summer.

I know that if I drink again, I will have to get sober again. There’s no fooling me. There’s no magic way I will become a regular drinker. Those days were over for me many many moons ago, if they ever existed at all.

I’ll admit I’m having a rough go in general. There aren’t any pink clouds right now. In the last few months life has been feeling difficult. I’ve been feeling very unsettled about where we live and the kind of life I want to have. So, in the last couple of months my husband and I decided we’re going to move closer to my best friend and my godson and our families. It would be a big move because my partner might not be able to work much there and will have to be away a lot for work… but this was going to be okay for me because I would be closer to my godson and help to raise him. Well, my friend has just decided to move across the country with my godson to be closer to family. They will be leaving before Christmas.

It is the right decision for her and her kid, as I know how much she is struggling as a single mom. But it hurts like hell. I realize I was trying to fill my own void of not having kids by being closer to them, and maybe that’s not the right thing to do, but I love them very much and I am human and need that kind of connection in my life. I guess I thought I was building my own unique family.

I’ve cried a lot in the last two weeks, since she told me. I also knew I couldn’t deal with this still drinking and it was kind of the catalyst for me to get sober. After she told me, I had two nights of heavy drinking and then found myself in tears at work. My job is very stressful and tough- and I’m not enjoying it but that’s a whole other story- so there is no way I can be hungover AND sad and depressed.

Anyways, it’s a bit of a mess right now. I don’t know if we are going to move now and I’m sure I’m driving my husband crazy with my flip-flopping back and forth. I hurt a lot and I want to drink to numb the pain. But I know it would make me feel so much worse. For now, this is what is keeping me sober. Knowing how much worse I would feel tomorrow. I also know that I will get through this. And that being sober will help me through.