state of morning.

I feel better in the mornings.

I used to date a guy with a serious alcohol problem, back before I really had one myself. Although he was a heavy drinker, he was a morning person and he used to joke that his day went downhill from noon on. Maybe because that’s when he usually started drinking. His mornings were often filled with working (cooking), surfing, painting, or being out in nature, and then when he started drinking his day got messier and his mind got murkier.

He was a mean drunk. I woke up one morning and he was on his knees pissing on me, in a drunken stupor. When I woke up and shouted at him to stop, he told me to fuck off, lay back down and went to sleep. That’s when I finally broke it off with him. Which wasn’t easy because we were living in a tent on a beach in Costa Rica.

But that’s a story for another time.

Anyways, I wouldn’t doubt it if I were influenced by him in appreciating the morning. I love the quiet. I love it when it’s still a bit chilly from the cool night air. Even if (especially if) it’s going to be a hot sunny day, there’s that unmistakeable refreshing feeling first thing. I love the newness of the morning. The promise of it.

I never felt much like drinking in the morning, so it’s a “safe” space for me. No triggers. Of course, when I was drinking heavily myself, mornings were often filled with headaches, dehydration, nausea, and sadness. Which is what makes them so much sweeter in sobriety. What used to be filled with feeling sick, tired, and mountains of regret, is now filled with clarity, lightness, and hope. I can now really let in the beauty of the morning, and let it consume me instead of seeing it from an arm’s distance away. Trying to grasp it with not long enough fingers.

_____

My 10 year relationship is over. I move out soon into a cute little apartment in a small older style building in a different, more urban part of the city. I’ve actually never really lived on my own. Before I moved in with my partner, I pretty much always had roommates or partners to live with. I’m afraid. Sometimes I am so frightened that my chest (my heart?) feels like it’s in a vice grip and my stomach is in knots.

I don’t do alone very well. All my fears are coming up. Abandonment, rejection, being unloveable. I think I need to be with someone else to feel complete. My twisted thoughts tell me that I don’t have value unless someone wants to be with me.

Damn. Those are the reasons that I drank- so as not to be alone with myself and these feelings. Through the process of getting sober I thought I had dealt with all that. Turns out I was wrong… It’s still there. I still have work to do because I know those thoughts aren’t true. But I don’t know at the same time, some part of me still believes it.

In the morning I can better connect to the part of myself that knows my worth, and that knows I will be okay. Sometimes I even feel excitement for this new stage in my life- new freedoms, opportunities, the unknowns. I am curious of where life will take me now. I am always amazed at where it does. Maybe it’s in the newness of the day that I can connect to those feelings of wonder. Maybe it’s the quiet in the morning that allows me to feel confidence. I don’t know exactly what it is but right now I wish I could live in a perpetual state of morning.

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21 thoughts on “state of morning.

  1. Great post – hang in there – time makes it better (I know everyone says that, but that’s because it’s true). I like your comment about “I don’t do alone very well”. I don’t do crowds very well but it’s for many of the same reasons that you don’t do alone well! lol.

    • haha. I don’t do crowds very well either! I prefer one on one ๐Ÿ™‚ I guess I should have said I don’t do single very well. I have definitely spent a lot of time alone within my relationship though so it might not be that much different.
      Time will definitely help. I am giving myself lots of time to just be and heal and focus on me. Thanks for stopping by ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Yeah, living on your own, I was scared a lot when I first got to live alone, not so much about the drinking, I still drank then, not so much about the loneliness, I had no clue that was going to be there :-/. When it was I drank. But questions like: if something happens to me now, nobody will now untill Monday where very much on my mind. There is a lot you can do though, when on your own to put in some safeguards and make your environment more safe. Herewith some tips and I hope that I, with this reply, am not projecting (too much of) my fears on you :-).
    – One scary one: do not walk along or park next to vans or blind busses. 80% Of the nasty things happening to women happen with the use of larger vehicles. I cross the street when I see one at night. I don’t give a SHIT what anybody thinks. Natascha Kampusch (wiki) was abducted with the help of a van and she sensed, she knew upfront things where wrong but because she and her mother had been in a fight she felt that she did not have the right to stand up for herself, eventhough all of her senses told her to run. So sad, but the example shows very well how a victim can ‘easily’ become a victim. Perpetrators, like predators choose their victims and they prey on the (temporarily) weak. It is nasty. I don’t go out when I feel I do not have the right to defend myself or I take other transport than walking and biking.
    – ok, 2 scary ones, after this they become nice ๐Ÿ™‚ I make it a habit to rehears the names of my neighbours when walking through the street at late hours so I can call out if there is something. Specifically in larger cities people do not respond well to ‘Help!’. They respond to ‘Fire!’ or being called by their name. Banging all cars to set off alarms is a good one too.
    – If I was really scared I would call somebody and tell them about my discomfort. Be on the phone while I checked the dark corners of the house.
    – Also, if I left a party I would go a little earlier and tell the host that I would call when I would get home in say half an hour. And if I did not, ask them to contact me.
    – I introduced myself to my neighbours.
    – and got to be a member of the Facebook group of the street. If there is none: set one up, it is really great: we do subjects from ‘did you see my cat?’ to ‘our house has been burglered, did you hear/see anything?’ to ‘next week street bbq’ to ‘I’ve got this couch/books/fishing gear; who wants it?’ to ‘who left his car light on?’ to ‘who can receive my delivery?’ to ‘new baby!’ ๐Ÿ™‚ It is tiny in itself but very great.
    – I also make it a habit to greet people on the street and speak with them. It is funny how this works; it makes it easier to speak with them when things come up. By now I have 2 neighbours who, without me even asking, fix my flat tire. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค and I use my skills to help them with their clothing / tent sewing stuff.
    – Whenever there is a woman living alone I tell them that they can always contact me; no matter what time, no matter how silly they might feel. Many times this is replied with a big THANK YOU! And I am invited back to do so. It is not big, I never used it, but it makes people feel safe and if ever the shit would hit the fan I can ring a lot of doorbells without feeling strange or silly.
    – I was once threatened to be killed (yeah, that happens when you don't let people push in line ๐Ÿ˜‰ ), the guy followed me out of the store so I went into the next store and when the butcher asked me how I was doing I told him I was being followed and threatened. The butcher walked me home. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

    I hope you have a good move and settle well. I LOVE the freedom. Went to see my brother and SIL this weekend, so happy to be back and not living within the confinement of a relation. Men; can't do with, can't do without them. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ / ๐Ÿ˜‰ / :-). You go do what a woman who loves herself would do. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xx, Feeling

    • Wow- thanks for all the advice. To be honest I hadn’t thought much about any of that stuff… I’m more afraid of being lonely than anything else! But all really good things to keep in mind to keep safe. xo

      • Aaah! Yes, so this was a practice of mine in projecting fear? Ghegheghe… and sorry ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Hope I did not scare you. ๐Ÿ™‚ I do not know stuff about loneliness. This is a subject which is (still?) outside of my grasp. I am lonely a lot, I used to drink it away. Now I am just lonely sometimes. Less on days that I work. But I am not sure if a relation would ‘fix’ this for me. I am guessing one day, after I deal with the chocolate addiction I will be able to look loneliness in the eyes. In my darkest moments I always think: No matter what, I always have me. That gives me strength. Any psychiatrist might notice that I have internalised my Higher Power ;-), but I’ll let them decide that. ๐Ÿ˜€
        Good luck with the move. Do not be surprised if moving house totally stresses you out. That is normal. ๐Ÿ™‚ Take good care.
        xx, Feeling

  3. Yes! I too like the newness of the morning time. I guess I’ve gotten used to feeling good in the morning so I started taking it for granted…sober mornings are really awesome! Thanks for the reminder ๐Ÿ™‚

    • So many options is right. I think I looked at 20,000 area rugs before deciding on one! It is kinda fun doing the furniture part of it. I’ve never really put a lot of thought into that before but it feels important now. I think because I want my home to feel safe and comforting and cozy- to be a space that I can be myself and heal in.

  4. I am reading this in my morning fragment of time, tucked up on the sofa under a quilt with a candle flame flickering beside me. I love the feeling of possibilities in the morning, too. Everything is quiet and there is space for my own thoughts.

    I have been reading recently about ways to change our relationship to what we call fear… Our bodies have evolved over millennia to react to external cues in order to protect us, so efforts to ‘shut down’ feelings of fear, or apprehension, can be fruitless. I’ve been reading that it can be more successful to reframe our fear as excitement and preparedness for change : the handy acronym for this is ‘Feeling Excited And Ready’.

    I’ve been using this myself recently in a situation where previously I could have been paralysed by apprehension, so I’m not recommending it lightly and I know you are facing big challenges which I don’t belittle in any way… Using those internal butterflies to move oneself onwards can be very powerful, I think. Sending you virtual scented candles for your new start! Xx

    • I like that, thanks Primrose!
      Re-framing fear to excitement. It’s the same kind of butterfly feeling physically, so just training the thoughts differently. Going to give it a go!
      xo

  5. Mmmmmm mornings. The moment I open my eyes I want to tiptoe downstairs for coffee and read in my pjs. Doesn’t matter if I’m alone or in a houseful. Just please please let me have those first few moments to myself without a single demand from anyone. It’s like slipping between two blocks of time, sneaking into a gap others miss as they snore on and then jump right into their day. For me, it’s a safe space. A hidden pocket. But we can’t stay there forever….Thinking of you as you transition to a “new normal”. I encourage you to take the opportunity to be intentional about everything you allow into your world. Build a masterpiece. Edit. Choose. Savour.

    • “I encourage you to take the opportunity to be intentional about everything you allow into your world. Build a masterpiece. Edit. Choose. Savour.”
      That is the best advice ever, Jean. Something I have been thinking a lot about since the separation. Now is the time of me to think about what I want- the life I want, the space I want, the activities I want. I remembered today how small my life felt sometimes in my relationship. It wasn’t right for me. It’s time to be intentional. thanks! x

  6. Dear Clearlee,
    I am not a morning person, unless you count 10am as morning!
    I love the advice from above, learning to reframe the fear to excitement!
    Making a space all of your own.
    That is a healing space.
    Much Love,
    Wendy

    • Omg I would love to sleep until 10am! I might not be a morning person entirely by choice ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I am very much looking forward to creating my own space!
      Thanks for your comment x

  7. Dear Clearlee, I saw that you liked a post of mine so popped in here to tell you that I am thinking of you and hoping that you are surfing the challenges and rewards of your new situation without too many upsets and mouthfuls of salt water… I also hope you are finding support from those fellow travellers that met on your retreat. With love from England! Prim xx

    • Hi Prim, thank you for thinking of me. I am still here, quietly trying to sort through the muck. Doing well, I think, but just so much to process that I can’t even write about it. Sober though! Thankfully. I do have a great deal of support, from old and new friends. Thank you for reaching out xoxo

  8. I too realised tonight I hadn’t seen much from you of late and just wanted to check in. I hope single life is treating you ok and you are not too lonely. I have been single for way too long (a statement not meant to scare you) but I cherish my truly alone times now when my 18 year old is elsewhere. I think living alone has both pros and cons but if you look deep into the time alone you can find out who you really are. Take this time as a gift to see what it is you enjoy, what area rug you like, ha ha, what colours lift you up and if cereal for dinner is something you like or loathe.
    I send you sincere wishes for some peace and happiness in your future and I am happy for you that you made it sober still, THAT……. is truly admirable.

    • Hey there, thank you for checking in on me ๐Ÿ™‚ I have been thinking a lot about posting, but can’t seem to get the words out. Everything in my life feels different, including routines and when I used to do certain things like write. I will write very soon. Thank you for thinking of me xo

      • Only do what you feel able to do as you are undergoing a major transition. I am only glad to know you are ok and still putting one foot in front of the other. Take care

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