a sober mess.

A solid two weeks of sobriety under my belt. I’m trying not to beat myself up for falling off the wagon this summer- I would have had 16 months by now if I had stayed the path. And I wouldn’t be navigating all these sober challenges again.

However, part of what is keeping me sober this time is the knowledge that I have done this before, I have navigated events and holidays and hard times all without a drink and I can do it again.

That doesn’t make it easier though. Yesterday I struggled a lot. Thought about drinking in the morning- which I wish I could say I have never done but that would be a lie. Back in my 20’s I definitely had boozy times that began (or kept going) in the morning.

I went out for dinner and to a game last night and fought cravings and the “fuck-its” the entire time. But as much as I wanted a giant glass of alcohol, I was also terrified to give up on these last two weeks. It has been so hard and I don’t want to have to do it all over again. I’m already doing it all over again and I regret relapsing this summer.

I know that if I drink again, I will have to get sober again. There’s no fooling me. There’s no magic way I will become a regular drinker. Those days were over for me many many moons ago, if they ever existed at all.

I’ll admit I’m having a rough go in general. There aren’t any pink clouds right now. In the last few months life has been feeling difficult. I’ve been feeling very unsettled about where we live and the kind of life I want to have. So, in the last couple of months my husband and I decided we’re going to move closer to my best friend and my godson and our families. It would be a big move because my partner might not be able to work much there and will have to be away a lot for work… but this was going to be okay for me because I would be closer to my godson and help to raise him. Well, my friend has just decided to move across the country with my godson to be closer to family. They will be leaving before Christmas.

It is the right decision for her and her kid, as I know how much she is struggling as a single mom. But it hurts like hell. I realize I was trying to fill my own void of not having kids by being closer to them, and maybe that’s not the right thing to do, but I love them very much and I am human and need that kind of connection in my life. I guess I thought I was building my own unique family.

I’ve cried a lot in the last two weeks, since she told me. I also knew I couldn’t deal with this still drinking and it was kind of the catalyst for me to get sober. After she told me, I had two nights of heavy drinking and then found myself in tears at work. My job is very stressful and tough- and I’m not enjoying it but that’s a whole other story- so there is no way I can be hungover AND sad and depressed.

Anyways, it’s a bit of a mess right now. I don’t know if we are going to move now and I’m sure I’m driving my husband crazy with my flip-flopping back and forth. I hurt a lot and I want to drink to numb the pain. But I know it would make me feel so much worse. For now, this is what is keeping me sober. Knowing how much worse I would feel tomorrow. I also know that I will get through this. And that being sober will help me through.

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24 thoughts on “a sober mess.

  1. Sorry to hear it is difficult for you but hats off for the way you are holding on. And of course: congrats on the 2 weeks! 🙂 That is marvellous. 🙂

    About: ‘I realize I was trying to fill my own void of not having kids by being closer to them’ – don’t worry, let your love flow.

    xx, Feeling

  2. This is a bad time of year to be coming back from a relapse. I know you’re feeling regret and remorse because you started drinking again, but remember that you’ve had success before. Please be kind to yourself.

  3. sending love and strength.
    you are very clear that drinking will no help or solve or change any of this. in any positive way..and that is great.
    keep holding on to that truth an keep writing
    you have a lot f support

  4. this post shows huge insight and self-acceptance – and it IS tough where you are right now. I’m so glad that you are here and are able to describe it so fully. when we’re drinking we can’t see what is facing us clearly, so we can’t find the right way to take care of ourselves and others. you are able to do that, now.

    two weeks is great. really great. and I think that this post shows that you’re NOT back at the beginning, your previous sober time is there, helping you do this now, and you can honour that and build upon it. big hugs! Prim xx

    • It’s hard for me to believe I’m not back at the beginning- it’s so ingrained somehow to believe that a relapse (even a 4 month one 🙂 makes us start all over. But I have been thinking about how this time is going to be different because I already had so many sober “firsts” and pink clouds etc the previous time. Every moment now is a new one- not a repeat. And so there’s much to learn… xo

  5. I’m sending you a lot of love. I’ve had a rough start this time too. Like you, no pink clouds. Mostly a lot of pain! But just now, only just, it’s starting to get better. I tell myself that it’s been so hard this time so I never forget how hard it is again! Like you, I know there’s no other way and I don’t want to go through these first weeks again. Like ever.

    Here’s what I’m impressed with:
    ** I went out for dinner and to a game last night and fought cravings and the “fuck-its” the entire time.**
    That’s pretty awesome. While it didn’t feel good at all, that’s the kind of experience that builds the sober muscle. Next time it will definitely be easier. I do believe that.

    During this first month or so back I have been completely forgetting about 2 important things: treats! and yummy non-alcoholic drinks. Our dear Prim over at https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/ is posting lots of yummy recipes. Just a thought… 🙂 For me, it’s not only the fact that I can drink something even more delicious than a beer or a glass of champagne, it’s the act of self-care that makes something like this taste even better. Like, I am worth going to the trouble (and the pleasure) of creating something special for myself to drink. ❤

    I'm sorry to hear that your plans for moving closer to your friend and godchild have been dashed. I would cry and cry too over that. But thank goodness you didn't move first, before she decided to move! That would've been even worse. I don't have any great advice for this because I live across the Atlantic from all of my best friends and my family too. Loneliness like this is really difficult, but I'm realizing that it really is up to me to do something about it. Going out and "making friends" is definitely not in my wheelhouse. But I'm going to have to do it anyway. It's wonderful that your husband is so supportive of you….that's a beautiful thing to be grateful for.

    I'm just sending you a big ole virtual hug and letting you know you're not alone. ❤

    • Thank you Dinah, your words are a comfort to me. I know you’ve had a rough go this time too and so I’m sending all that love and strength right back to you.

      Yes on the non-alcoholic drinks! I got some drinking vinegar- thai basil flavour and also some lemon lavender cordial for adding to soda. I really like to make myself a mocktail for dinner. Then I move on to the heavier stuff- bengal spice tea 🙂

      I am dealing with a lot of loss of and changing friendships and it’s hard because I am the type of person who it takes a long time to build a deep friendship- but once I do that friendship is a forever thing and I like to have my besties around a lot. But I will adjust… I will have to make new friends too 🙂 We can do it!

      lots of love xo

  6. Here, too, and sending good vibes for the journey to get a little kinder. I hope there are some silver linings in your future. It sounds like quite a few hurdles are going up right now, especially with your friend and godson. …And Dinah’s right – don’t forget about treats! … Good work on 2 weeks! Huge accomplishment.

  7. Hug.
    It is almost impossible to figure things out in the veil of active drinking.
    Could you step back and ask your husband to support taking 6 months to figure out where you are and where you want to go?

    That sadness and depression is only amplified by the depressant nature of alcohol. Time will help soothe that. But it takes patience.

    That was a blow that your friend is leaving. But you will be ok.

    Do you have a sober support group? Have you gone to AA? Maybe now is a time to go or to return just to find some assistance during this hard time.

    • Good advice Ann, and yes, my husband supports me in taking time to decide. To be honest he is not in a rush to go anywhere as it will be more difficult for him professionally. We’ll see how it all works out.

      Been thinking about going to AA but I’m a bit lazy right now. I do have someone from the sobersphere I can meet up with in person so that is good. We might check out some meetings together.

      xo

  8. Two weeks is fantastic, especially when they have been such a difficult two weeks for you. I’m sorry to hear about your friend and godson moving. It’s hard when life moves the goalposts suddenly like that, I know because it has happened to me a few times. I struggle to deal with it and it’s not pretty! But you’re so right- and I must remind myself of this over and over- that being sober is really the only way to deal with times like this. Whatever the future holds, we must be hopeful that it will turn out better for us than we ever imagined. That’s what I try to tell myself.
    brilliant job on two weeks – remember self care and rewards for things like sober evenings out.
    Sending good vibes from back here on day 8 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your good vibes! And awesome job on day 8- or day 9 now 🙂
      Everything is easier when we’re sober. Even though it doesn’t always feel like it, but I am WAY more of a mess when I’m drinking. It feels like the solution but it always makes it worse.
      Life does throw us some curveballs sometimes! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and we’ll get through it.

  9. That’s a lot of rough stuff to be dealing with. You do sound strong in it, though I know it’s wearying, using all that strength just to be OK. I really appreciate what you say, that if you drink again, you will have to quit again. I feel that for me, too. There’s just no going back, so on we go. Sending a big hug to you. Take good care. xo

    • It’s true… there is no going back! It’s just so miserable back there, who wants that??
      Thanks for the hug 🙂 It has been a bit rough but I know I’ll get through it. There’s no other choice really is there?

  10. You’re ready when you’re ready! I won’t dwell on the past. Congrats on getting back. That’s not easy.

    Cessation is definitely a requirement but such a small part overall to sobriety. One thing for sure, sobriety is not done alone.

  11. Try not to have regrets about a relapse – I’m at two weeks after going a month or two without drinking. I once went a year. It’s part of the process of becoming sober. It’s not always easy but nothing worthwhile is. Congratulations on your new sobriety – I wish you the best.

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