how to relapse.

Hello bloggers.

I’m back. Wish I could say that I’m better than ever, but sadly, that’s not true.

Not exactly sure how I feel about the word “relapse”, but it’s one easy way to say what happened while I was gone. The short version is that I stepped away from all my sober supports, thinking “I got this, I am a normal person now”. I went through some stressful stuff this summer, but just normal life stuff. Then I thought, whilst on the “normal train”, that perhaps I could drink again like a regular person. And, actually, to my surprise, that lasted a little while.

My first drink I didn’t even finish. I thought “what the hell is all the fuss about, it doesn’t even taste good”.

I didn’t crave another one. But, about two weeks later, I had another. It tasted a little bit better. For a while I just had a drink or two on the weekend. Then, occasionally with dinner on a weeknight, but just one. Then, it was two. I kept this up for a time.

Things started to change about a month ago. I started to look forward to having a drink in the evening, and a few nights I stopped at a bar on the way home from work (which I never even did when I was drinking big time). Then I started buying wine every other day from the liquor store. And the old tricks started back up, of which I won’t go into detail here because I’m not fully ready to admit them.

Actually, scratch that. I need to admit them… I started hiding how much I was drinking.

I have still been able to take a day or two off from drinking, and I can’t say that I’ve been “drunk”, but I’ve definitely drank too much and felt like shit at work.

I know too much now to not realize where I am heading.

I don’t feel as low as when I did when I stopped last time… but I could well be on my way. The negative thinking has creeped it’s way back into my life and it’s probably only a matter of time before I can call myself properly depressed.

I know it doesn’t have to be this way.

You know what the funny thing is, is that it’s not that I want to stop drinking so much as I miss being sober. There is a difference and it’s hard to define but I miss the path I was on before. I feel a bit lost.

So, here I am. Still on this journey. I don’t know quite how I will get back to sobriety but I am determined to.

Hope you are all well- I’ve been checking in from time to time and it’s good to see some people are still here- brings me hope that I can be here again too 🙂

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21 thoughts on “how to relapse.

  1. Oh my gosh I could have written that myself. I miss being sober too…I’m on day two again, and you are right, we know too much now to continue down any road that involves drinking.
    It’s so great that you’re back – let’s do it!!! X

  2. Welcome back. I’m here and in very close to the same spot. I like your comment about missing sobriety more than not wanting to drink. Never thought of it that way. Because, instead of thinking about “giving up” something, you focus on what you get – sobriety and all the benefits.

    • Thanks, I am glad to be back. It’s true- I do miss all the benefits- the clear head, the way my life was starting to feel… it was hard at times but it was exciting too. Good to see you here!

  3. good to see you!
    and i love that “miss being sober”…
    hold onto that, because that is the prize ring right there, the clear head, the good decisions, the feeling of really living your life and not escaping it…
    you have a lot of support here!

  4. Hello. It’s good to hear from you. I have to say I had a period of drinking for a while and also had that feeling of missing being sober, and I have been sober again now for a couple of months, which I have t say is just a big relief after drinking. Anyway, sending you good wishes! xo

  5. Hello there! I’ve been and gone and come back too (if you get what I mean). You are definitely not alone here and it’s great to hear from you and read your words which, by the way, ring sooooo true to me!

  6. I’m so glad you’re back. I don’t know you personally, but by the sounds of it, I could just as easily be you, as others have alluded to…Just remember it’s a “we” thing. 🙂

  7. Hi there.. I am finishing Day 16 after time away again.. and can relate to your post. I think it’s an encouraging thing, though, when we get to a place where we miss being sober..and I agree that once we are aware …”or know too much” we can’t happily go back to the old ways for long. Thsi is progress…

    Looking forward to reading more from you.. and staying on this road.

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