My last post I wrote I had been struggling internally. I’ve always loved this quote- “the mind is its own place and in itself, can make a heaven of hell and a hell of heaven” (John Milton).
I was suffering under the weight of my own thoughts. This week something has shifted. While my time of the month can be partly to blame for my mental state, so too was my lack of focus on my meditation practice. Over the last week i have returned to my practice, have been reading a lot of buddhist teachings/psychology, and I attended a “fifth precept” meeting which is a blend of buddhist and 12 step. I have also exercised a few times and been eating better.
Wouldn’t you know it, I feel better. I am working my “program” and it is working for me.
Today I had the feeling that I am truly in recovery. I am healing. I can feel it happening. I realized this week that I no longer punish myself in ways that I used to by setting so many rules for myself. When I was drinking I used to have so many rules! Of course, I broke them all the time. Constantly. And I hated myself for it. I felt so out of control, so undisciplined. So I would make more rules. And continually beat myself up.
Today discipline comes more from a place of self-love instead of self-loathing. I do things that are healthy or good for me because it feels good, and because I am learning to love and respect myself and treat myself well.
I listened to a great podcast today at the gym. It is from Josh Korda, who is the buddhist teacher at Dharmapunx in New York City. He is a recovering addict with 19 years sobriety. He has masses of podcasts, which are not all about addiction but he definitely makes them relate. This one is called “You are not damaged” and I found it very helpful.
He also has a video series on addiction, which is pretty cool.
Enjoy! In loving kindness!