mountains and molehills.

That’s what my last week or so has felt like… climbing small peaks and tall ones.

Notable moments:

My partner and I were gifted alcohol this season- red wine and Baileys- and IT IS STILL IN THE HOUSE AND MY PARTNER HAS BEEN DRINKING IT AND I AM STILL SOBER. This is a pretty major milestone for me, as I have not been able to have wine in the house until now. Too much of a trigger. And I’m not saying I want to have a bunch of open bottles of liquor in the house all the time, by any means, but, I do seem to be confident in my sobriety enough that having some around doesn’t feel like a big risk anymore.

Christmas. Need I say more? Spending hours and hours on end around people who are drinking constantly, not in your own home and no room for escape, triggering memories and time of year, and complicated family dynamics, is pretty much a recipe for disaster as far as a boozer goes. But I got through it. I had my moments, but I did it.

The hardest thing that I have been through in the last week is the death of a family member. My cousin’s son, tragically took his own life on Christmas Day. I guess he had been struggling with mental health challenges for a while, although I still don’t know the details. Unfortunately, we are not that close with that side of the family, just having drifted apart after so many years since my Dad passed. We see them mostly at funerals and weddings, that sort of thing. And with social media, we are in the loop of each others lives even though we don’t see each other much.

But the distance does not make it any easier. My cousin’s son was far far too young for his life to end. To know how much he suffered is so painful. My heart breaks for his parents, my lovely cousin and her kids, my aunt and uncle, who have seen too much pain in their lives already. There is a legacy of suicide on this side of the family. I am filled with so many emotions right now. Grief, empathy, sadness, anger, guilt, denial. I am just sick to my stomach about it. The link between emotional and physical pain is so interesting to me. My heart literally hurts right now.

The New Year is almost upon us. That will be another little bump to get over, but things like that start to lose meaning in the face of such tragedy. As I am making my way out of my own private hell, I just wish for peace for all who are suffering.

But, mountains or molehills, I am still sober.

Peace.

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32 thoughts on “mountains and molehills.

  1. What an accomplishment! It feels wonderful to finally feel free. It is an amazing journey, and each time you hit a milestone, it feel so good, doesn’t it??
    Good for you!
    (Sorry for your loss.)

  2. So, so sorry for your loss. I can relate, my grandfather, aunt and cousin all took their own lives. So tragic and so hard to understand. Please take good care of yourself and move gently for a while. Sending you peace and calm!
    GOTL

  3. oh I am so, so sorry….
    and so glad you are still sober, aware that your sobriety does not hinge on things going right or well, or whether there is alcohol i the house.
    it’s an inside job, and i’m glad you get it.

  4. Clearlee, what a sad story – my heart goes out to you and your family, and particularly your cousin. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a loved one in this way, the suffering involved. Peace and love to you all. You are doing so well staying strong through this & I hope that 2015 brings you joy. xx

  5. My heart hurts for you, too. My family has been touched by suicide, my grandfather, and a distant cousin. It is so painful and hard to understand. I’m very sorry for your family. This is the first year I have truly seen how challenging the holiday season can be, not really for me but for others. Wishing you peace and serenity for the new year. xx

    • Hey Lori- I’m sorry your family has been through this as well. Not easy. Sounds like it was the perfect storm for him- time of year, break-up, and some mental health and addictions stuff rearing up. Thanks for your wishes- happy new year to you! xo

  6. I’m very sorry to hear about the pain you and your family are experiencing…and also to know that someone was hurting that much to just want to leave life forever. You’re in my thoughts…and you are a warrior for staying sober through all of this. Stay strong. ❤

  7. My condolences to you and your family, what a terrible thing to have to endure at any time of the year, but especially at Christmas. I’m glad you have stayed sober through the whole “December” ordeal, it’s a hard pill to swallow for us newly sober people. I like your “sober warriors” and raise you “sober badass warriors.” Blessings in 2015…. 🙂

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