That’s what my last week or so has felt like… climbing small peaks and tall ones.
My partner and I were gifted alcohol this season- red wine and Baileys- and IT IS STILL IN THE HOUSE AND MY PARTNER HAS BEEN DRINKING IT AND I AM STILL SOBER. This is a pretty major milestone for me, as I have not been able to have wine in the house until now. Too much of a trigger. And I’m not saying I want to have a bunch of open bottles of liquor in the house all the time, by any means, but, I do seem to be confident in my sobriety enough that having some around doesn’t feel like a big risk anymore.
Christmas. Need I say more? Spending hours and hours on end around people who are drinking constantly, not in your own home and no room for escape, triggering memories and time of year, and complicated family dynamics, is pretty much a recipe for disaster as far as a boozer goes. But I got through it. I had my moments, but I did it.
The hardest thing that I have been through in the last week is the death of a family member. My cousin’s son, tragically took his own life on Christmas Day. I guess he had been struggling with mental health challenges for a while, although I still don’t know the details. Unfortunately, we are not that close with that side of the family, just having drifted apart after so many years since my Dad passed. We see them mostly at funerals and weddings, that sort of thing. And with social media, we are in the loop of each others lives even though we don’t see each other much.
But the distance does not make it any easier. My cousin’s son was far far too young for his life to end. To know how much he suffered is so painful. My heart breaks for his parents, my lovely cousin and her kids, my aunt and uncle, who have seen too much pain in their lives already. There is a legacy of suicide on this side of the family. I am filled with so many emotions right now. Grief, empathy, sadness, anger, guilt, denial. I am just sick to my stomach about it. The link between emotional and physical pain is so interesting to me. My heart literally hurts right now.
The New Year is almost upon us. That will be another little bump to get over, but things like that start to lose meaning in the face of such tragedy. As I am making my way out of my own private hell, I just wish for peace for all who are suffering.
But, mountains or molehills, I am still sober.