blue clouds.

I want my pink clouds back.

For a while there I was feeling so good all the time- feeling inspired, energetic, creative, and having what I would call spiritual awakenings. I guess I thought that would just continue. I sure hope it comes back.

The last week or so has been really tough for me. I have entered a blue could phase. It’s strange though- I don’t really have a craving to drink, but I have had thoughts of wanting to drink just so that I can change my blue mood or stop thinking so much. I now know that drinking will not solve any of my problems- it never did before so why would it now?? I also know that not only would it not solve anything but it would actually make it much worse. I would be stuck in a fog, feel like shit on all levels, depise my lack of self-control, and generally want to crawl into a hole and disappear.

I know drinking is not the answer, but, of course, a part of me thinks- what is the point of being sober if I am going to feel like shit anyways? I have been quite low for the last little while. Feeling really negative about my life and some of the choices I have made. I feel that emptiness I wrote about in my last post. I have been feeling like I need a change and I have been having doubts in several areas in my life. I am new again in a job and feel a bit shaky as I find my way into a groove within a new team. Most of my friends have young children and have their hands very full, and I feel disconnected from them. All of my family lives in another part of the province and I miss them. I feel lonely sometimes.

Without alcohol to numb out these feelings, there they are. I have to fucking feel them.

The icing on the cake this week is that my nemesis has decided to make an appearance. No, I’m not referring to wolfie or the wine witch or the drink demon, or whatever you want to call it. I am talking about a different, but equally annoying kind of beast.

I’m talking about PMS. It completely intensifies everything I am already feeling and dealing with.

Screw you, PMS.

Am I right, women?

I am just trying to remind myself that this will pass. I am stronger than this. Whatever it is that I am feeling distressed over are the things in my life that I need to deal with. I’ve tried drinking it away and it hasn’t worked. I am glad that I can do this now with a clear head but it’s still not easy. I guess this is the challenging part of getting sober- actually facing your problems!  But this is what I wanted to do in getting sober. Finally face some of those inner demons and sort them out. A lot of it I have posted about before- negative thinking. A lot of the things in my life that I feel are problems are actually thinking problems. I obsess about things instead of accepting or changing things. I go into a negativity spiral and end up feeling badly about myself.

I am hoping that meditation will help with the negative thinking. I have attended a couple of the Refuge Recovery meetings now, and so far I am really enjoying it. We talk about our recovery, we meditate together, and then we read and discuss part of the book the group is based on. I have done meditation before but I am starting to see it with a new lens. Whereas before I understood mediation to be something to do to “clear” the mind, I am now seeing it as something to do to be “aware” of the mind. I’d like to learn to observe the negative thinking and not become so engaged in the drama. I’d like to learn not to believe everything I think!

It’s a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I am excited to learn and grow and develop. I’m starting to come out of my blue mood. I want to make sure that I try to reflect and learn from this time. I know I had triggers that set me off around Thanksgiving, drinking, family, and my friend’s pregnancy. I had PMS. I also know that I didn’t get outside enough in the last week and I know how much that helps me.

Nature is my therapy. I need to get out in the woods once a week. It helps me to feel alive and connected to something greater than myself. I feel something like love when I am surrounded by nature and it’s the best feeling I know. It fills the void. It “completes” me 😉

It’s still early days and I know that I shouldn’t expect to recover over night. I have a long ways to go, I am sure. It’s just hard to deal with such negative feelings. I can see pretty clearly why I would want to drink so much to escape feeling how I have for the last 10 days. I am slowly learning other ways to cope with those emotions. I have hope and faith that I will learn to understand myself more fully and learn how to manage my thoughts and feelings.

70 days sober tomorrow.






12 thoughts on “blue clouds.

  1. Those feelings don’t go away by drinking they are just deferred and become worse.

    Meditation helps me a lot, but I limit how much I do when I am in a low spot. I find yoga, where I am more focused on my breathing and moving, better at those times.

    PAWS continues to impact our ups and downs for quite some time. Blue clues are normal, and the pink one will be back.

    Pms was an enourmous problem for me for the last few years. I had a couple of days a months where I wasn’t just blue, I was so low I could almost not function. Antidepressants have solved that. Thank god.

    Nature therapy is great. As are bubble baths, massages, good books and cheesecake (ok, that’s me).

    You are doing a great job. Keep reminding yourself you are a valuable, worth, awesome woman. Just as you are.



    • Thanks Anne. I need to research more about PAWS, it struck me that this could be part of what I am experiencing. Mind you I have always had ups and downs too… so it will be interesting for me to track this now that I am sober.
      I need to get back to yoga! I used to be a major yogi and I have cut back the last few years as my drinking and other things got in the way. I’m going to hit a class tomorrow! xo

  2. Congratulations on 70 days!
    The early days are hard, but it does get better. My release is running. And staying frantically busy. I find if I am not doing either of those two things, I am blue also. Maybe it is the change of season, or the stress in my life. I am just trying to ride the waves.
    You are doing awesome, stay strong!

    • Hello you 🙂 Thanks for the congrats! I never thought I’d get here, but here I am. I’ve been thinking I should get back into running. I used to run but like many things I dropped it as my drinking increased. I think you’re right about being busy too. It helps me to stay active and not have too much down time (although i do love my chilling alone time- just not too much!) xoxo

  3. I couldn’t agree with you more about the “Other Beast” that is PMS. Some months, nothing, and then others, it sneaks up on me without warning. And it sucks that basically the only way I can tell I’m about to be on my period is that I snap at someone. I’m 47 and seriously hope that some sober time will even this reaction out, but who knows…part of being a woman. At least we can talk about it here.

    Which is the main point…it’s so great that we all have this space to share these things. Blue clouds or pink clouds…it’s so strengthening to know we’re not alone, not the only ones going through these stages of recovery. Thank you for sharing your experience, your thought process. Writing is so healing…and you have 70 days! The feelings of clarity and hope will definitely return, especially since you’re aware that alcohol definitely won’t bring them back.

    Big hugs, Dinah

    • Thank you for commenting, Dinah! Yes the pms beast is the worst! I just read that evening primrose oil is supposed to help so I’m going to check that out.
      I expect to go through a bunch of phases in recovery and I’m glad to have this space to write about it. Thanks for the positivity! Hope you’re doing well 🙂

  4. I have a friend who is a counsellor who once told me her most effective phrase she uses (selectively of course) to her clients. it is this:

    “It sounds to me, my love, as if you’re doing REALLY WELL.”

    wish I could say it to you in her voice! and it’s effective because it’s based on what you’ve said: not on a yardstick of how you ‘should’ be doing at this stage. because it includes affection. and because it recognises that what you’re doing is really hard and you are bloody doing it. so I say it to you, acknowledging your efforts and reflecting your words back to you:

    you’re making your way through the first months of sobriety with your eyes open.

    you’re recognising patterns of behaviour, like meditation and hiking, attending meetings, that help you.

    you’re seeing other less helpful patterns like the negative thinking and working out ways to deal with them.

    you’re doing all this while undergoing work transitions AND weathering the hormonal storms. man, I am with you on the latter. what on earth purpose do they serve?! am trying to ride that tsunami myself this week and it is a BUGGER.

    big hugs to you. and enormous congratulations on Day 70! xxx

    • Thanks Prim! Your support means a lot to me <3. I think I am doing well even though it sounds like I'm not sometimes… I'm trying to figure it all out right now and that to me is good. I could do without the hormones though! Seriously. I just mentioned to sober learning that I read evening primrose oil is supposed to help with that… so it must be extra special just like you, my friend! ever tried it?

  5. Congratulations on your 70days! I have actually just written a post sharing similar thoughts and feelings. I wonder if it is the seasonal changes that makes things extra difficult as we approach the cold, dark winter. As well as the biggest challange sober living faces every year – christmas and NYE. Anyway stay stong you’re doing really well. Also your post really helped me feel less alone in my battle so I hope that reading all the positive comments on your post will help alliviate some of the negative thought pattens you’re experiencing at the moment.

    • Hello! And thanks for commenting. I think the seasonal changes do have something to do with it. I do struggle with SAD. It has actually gotten better as I get older, but i’m sure it still impacts me some.
      I am trying not to allow myself to think about NYE! One day at a time, right? I’ve definitely come out of the negative mindset I was in last week, it helps a lot to share and receive feedback, so thanks for your post. Best wishes to you!

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