I want my pink clouds back.
For a while there I was feeling so good all the time- feeling inspired, energetic, creative, and having what I would call spiritual awakenings. I guess I thought that would just continue. I sure hope it comes back.
The last week or so has been really tough for me. I have entered a blue could phase. It’s strange though- I don’t really have a craving to drink, but I have had thoughts of wanting to drink just so that I can change my blue mood or stop thinking so much. I now know that drinking will not solve any of my problems- it never did before so why would it now?? I also know that not only would it not solve anything but it would actually make it much worse. I would be stuck in a fog, feel like shit on all levels, depise my lack of self-control, and generally want to crawl into a hole and disappear.
I know drinking is not the answer, but, of course, a part of me thinks- what is the point of being sober if I am going to feel like shit anyways? I have been quite low for the last little while. Feeling really negative about my life and some of the choices I have made. I feel that emptiness I wrote about in my last post. I have been feeling like I need a change and I have been having doubts in several areas in my life. I am new again in a job and feel a bit shaky as I find my way into a groove within a new team. Most of my friends have young children and have their hands very full, and I feel disconnected from them. All of my family lives in another part of the province and I miss them. I feel lonely sometimes.
Without alcohol to numb out these feelings, there they are. I have to fucking feel them.
The icing on the cake this week is that my nemesis has decided to make an appearance. No, I’m not referring to wolfie or the wine witch or the drink demon, or whatever you want to call it. I am talking about a different, but equally annoying kind of beast.
I’m talking about PMS. It completely intensifies everything I am already feeling and dealing with.
Screw you, PMS.
Am I right, women?
I am just trying to remind myself that this will pass. I am stronger than this. Whatever it is that I am feeling distressed over are the things in my life that I need to deal with. I’ve tried drinking it away and it hasn’t worked. I am glad that I can do this now with a clear head but it’s still not easy. I guess this is the challenging part of getting sober- actually facing your problems! But this is what I wanted to do in getting sober. Finally face some of those inner demons and sort them out. A lot of it I have posted about before- negative thinking. A lot of the things in my life that I feel are problems are actually thinking problems. I obsess about things instead of accepting or changing things. I go into a negativity spiral and end up feeling badly about myself.
I am hoping that meditation will help with the negative thinking. I have attended a couple of the Refuge Recovery meetings now, and so far I am really enjoying it. We talk about our recovery, we meditate together, and then we read and discuss part of the book the group is based on. I have done meditation before but I am starting to see it with a new lens. Whereas before I understood mediation to be something to do to “clear” the mind, I am now seeing it as something to do to be “aware” of the mind. I’d like to learn to observe the negative thinking and not become so engaged in the drama. I’d like to learn not to believe everything I think!
It’s a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I am excited to learn and grow and develop. I’m starting to come out of my blue mood. I want to make sure that I try to reflect and learn from this time. I know I had triggers that set me off around Thanksgiving, drinking, family, and my friend’s pregnancy. I had PMS. I also know that I didn’t get outside enough in the last week and I know how much that helps me.
Nature is my therapy. I need to get out in the woods once a week. It helps me to feel alive and connected to something greater than myself. I feel something like love when I am surrounded by nature and it’s the best feeling I know. It fills the void. It “completes” me 😉
It’s still early days and I know that I shouldn’t expect to recover over night. I have a long ways to go, I am sure. It’s just hard to deal with such negative feelings. I can see pretty clearly why I would want to drink so much to escape feeling how I have for the last 10 days. I am slowly learning other ways to cope with those emotions. I have hope and faith that I will learn to understand myself more fully and learn how to manage my thoughts and feelings.
70 days sober tomorrow.