morning gratitude.

This morning it is so easy to see why I want to be sober. Even though I woke up way too early for a Saturday (6am, people! Why do I have to drag myself out of bed on workdays but on weekends I can’t sleep in?), and I feel a bit tired, I woke up feeling excited for the day ahead, grateful to be alive, and SO thankful that I did not drink last night. 

From my last post, it is no secret that I have been fighting a bout of depression. After I stopped drinking last week, the depression took a few days to lift slightly. Even yesterday at work, I was feeling pretty low. The monkey chatter in my mind is really intense at times. The negative voice can be consuming. I am not successful enough, I don’t have enough friends, I am wasting my life, I am not thin enough, smart enough, outgoing enough… it goes on. I tend to fixate on a situation, whatever is currently a struggle for me, and obsess about it endlessly. Projecting into the future and living in the past. In the past, I was always a better version of myself. In the future, I am hopeless. 

The crazy thing is that I am only this negative person with myself. It is true that we are our own worst enemies. I would never speak to another person the way I speak to myself. Yesterday, I was on the phone with a girlfriend. It’s a long story, but the short version is that someone we know just found out he is going to be a dad. He is single and childless on purpose, so this is a huge life change for him. In talking with my girlfriend I was saying that life throws us shit and we get to choose how we want to see it. There are negatives and positives with everything in life, every choice or decision comes with benefits and costs. We can choose to focus on the positive or we can choose to focus on the negative. 

I heard myself utter those words and it struck me that I can dish out some pretty good life stuff but I that I am not living my own philosophies. I feel like I used to be able to do this more (you see how I am living in the past now)… I even have a tattoo that represents transformation and for me it symbolizes the ability to find the light out of the dark. It is one of my biggest beliefs yet I am not able to practice this in my life. 

Depression can take away our ability to see the good in life. Sometimes, in the midst of a bout, I am unable to remember the person I am who believes in possibility. The thing that gets me through these times is knowing that I have gotten through it before and faith that emotions and states of mind are fleeting. Relying on the fact that change is actually the only constant in life and that the negativity and pain will pass, if I give it time. I just have to hang on the ride the wave a little longer, and eventually I will come out the other side. 

The truth is that when I’m drinking, my days are darker and I don’t know true joy like I felt this morning. The depression was there before I started my drinking career, but the alcohol makes it 100x worse. 

This morning I can take a deep breath in and not feel the pain in my heart that has been aching for the last few weeks. I still remember that it is there, though, and today I am going to protect my little heart like I would of someone that I love dearly. I am so thankful to be sober today. I am so thankful for this sober community. I am so thankful for the ability to see the light once more. 

Happy Saturday xo

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6 thoughts on “morning gratitude.

  1. Hello Clearlee. As you say, recognising that ‘change is actually the only constant in life’ and being grateful for change is a great way to start to the day (even if it is 6am!). Thanks for sharing and wishing you a happy today and tomorrow x.

    • Thank you sober garden. Yes, today I was so grateful for change! Sober mornings are such a good time for me; I always feel different than the evening before and its a chance to have a fresh start.

      Wishing you a happy day as well 🙂

  2. I think I am 145 days. I don’t look too often and lose count. I didn’t at first. The first 30 days was the longest month of my life. It was really hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. My mood went up and down but what kept me going was another hangover free morning. 30 to 60 days was a little easier. I read every blog I could get my hands on. I read 10 books. One in particular that really helped ( they all helped in their own way ) was the book Why You drink and how to stop. By Veronica Valli. It was life changing for me. Give it a whirl!

    Irishgirl

    • Hi IrishGirl, thanks for commenting and for your support! I have Valli’s ebook and have read most of it. It is very good. It’s a good reminder to finish the rest of it :).
      Unfortunately, this is not my first attempt (instead, one of MANY) to get sober. Each time I am learning something new. It helps though to remember that the first bit is really hard. I have been so up and down. I just keep reminding myself that the only way through this is through it. There are no shortcuts. I’ve got to dig deep. Thanks so much for stopping by. BTW, I am a bit of an Irish gal myself… I’m 1/4 Irish 🙂

  3. Thank you for such an honest post. I too have come to realize that I often get in the way of myself – that I am my own worst enemy. But in my sobreity I’ve learned how to love myself more during the last 10 months than I have probably loved myself my entire life. There are bad days and good days still, but ultimately my life is filled with a lot of love and tolerance for not only others, but myself. I just wanted to leave you with a song that’s really helped me through my tougher times of sobriety. It was my favorite song before I even realized I was an alcoholic. Go figure that one – I know it was my Higher Power’s way of making sense out of my world before I could do it myself.

    xoxo – Anna

    • Hi Anna, thank you for stopping by and commenting on my blog 🙂
      Your comment is inspiring and I am really happy for you and your 10 months of sobriety. Sounds amazing. I hope that I get there one day soon!

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