This morning it is so easy to see why I want to be sober. Even though I woke up way too early for a Saturday (6am, people! Why do I have to drag myself out of bed on workdays but on weekends I can’t sleep in?), and I feel a bit tired, I woke up feeling excited for the day ahead, grateful to be alive, and SO thankful that I did not drink last night.
From my last post, it is no secret that I have been fighting a bout of depression. After I stopped drinking last week, the depression took a few days to lift slightly. Even yesterday at work, I was feeling pretty low. The monkey chatter in my mind is really intense at times. The negative voice can be consuming. I am not successful enough, I don’t have enough friends, I am wasting my life, I am not thin enough, smart enough, outgoing enough… it goes on. I tend to fixate on a situation, whatever is currently a struggle for me, and obsess about it endlessly. Projecting into the future and living in the past. In the past, I was always a better version of myself. In the future, I am hopeless.
The crazy thing is that I am only this negative person with myself. It is true that we are our own worst enemies. I would never speak to another person the way I speak to myself. Yesterday, I was on the phone with a girlfriend. It’s a long story, but the short version is that someone we know just found out he is going to be a dad. He is single and childless on purpose, so this is a huge life change for him. In talking with my girlfriend I was saying that life throws us shit and we get to choose how we want to see it. There are negatives and positives with everything in life, every choice or decision comes with benefits and costs. We can choose to focus on the positive or we can choose to focus on the negative.
I heard myself utter those words and it struck me that I can dish out some pretty good life stuff but I that I am not living my own philosophies. I feel like I used to be able to do this more (you see how I am living in the past now)… I even have a tattoo that represents transformation and for me it symbolizes the ability to find the light out of the dark. It is one of my biggest beliefs yet I am not able to practice this in my life.
Depression can take away our ability to see the good in life. Sometimes, in the midst of a bout, I am unable to remember the person I am who believes in possibility. The thing that gets me through these times is knowing that I have gotten through it before and faith that emotions and states of mind are fleeting. Relying on the fact that change is actually the only constant in life and that the negativity and pain will pass, if I give it time. I just have to hang on the ride the wave a little longer, and eventually I will come out the other side.
The truth is that when I’m drinking, my days are darker and I don’t know true joy like I felt this morning. The depression was there before I started my drinking career, but the alcohol makes it 100x worse.
This morning I can take a deep breath in and not feel the pain in my heart that has been aching for the last few weeks. I still remember that it is there, though, and today I am going to protect my little heart like I would of someone that I love dearly. I am so thankful to be sober today. I am so thankful for this sober community. I am so thankful for the ability to see the light once more.
Happy Saturday xo