this is a sad post.

Like many people around the world, I too have been deeply saddened by the suicide of Robin Williams. He was a great actor and comedian and someone that many of us grew up with. 

His death is hitting me super hard right now as I am finding myself in the depths of a fairly deep depression. My alcoholism is suffocating me. Like others have talked about in the last couple of days, I don’t know if depression led to my drinking or if my drinking led to depression, but it is certainly linked. One of the biggest reasons I want to quit drinking is because I know how much it fucks with my mental health. I’ve been in a pretty bad place lately. No surprise, the last few days I have drank the equivalent of a bottle of wine each night. The hangovers have been bad and the despair has been at an all time low. Alcohol=chronic depression for me. 

I had a month of sobriety this summer and then blew it, and have since been stuck on the roller coaster. I stopped publishing posts a few months ago because I just got so tired of writing about my stops and starts. I was boring myself to death, so couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to read what I had to say. I have still been writing a bit but keeping it private. I still read blogs every day and have been drawing so much inspiration from everyone’s words. 

I was approaching a critical point in the last few days as the drinking has been slowly consuming me more and more each day. Then the news yesterday about Mr. Williams broke and it really scared me. I am so saddened to learn about his struggle and suffering, because I too have struggled and suffered in my life and I can relate. Of course, I will never know exactly how he felt, and our lives are completely different. I am not saying it is the same, but I have my own understanding of these things because I have fought depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction and demons. It is so painful to learn that his demons won because it makes me wonder if my demons will also win. Sometimes, it feels like they will. 

But I also know, in my heart, that they won’t. Because I do believe that healing is possible. And that everything is temporary. If Mr. Williams was still alive today he probably wouldn’t make the same choice. He had so much to live for. We all do. I do. But I need to heal my broken heart/mind/soul from this brutal condition. I have to do whatever it takes to be free from the grip of addiction. Or else it will kill me. I have already lost my father to suicide and my family has been through enough of that. This is what scared me the most about Robin Williams’ death- that if the funniest, most celebrated, lovely man alive can suffer so badly that it drove him to take his own life, then that can happen to lil old me too. 

O Captain, my Captain. I want to take you in my arms and hold you and help to ease your suffering. 

May we all be free from suffering.

May we all be free from suffering.

May we all be free from suffering. 

 

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12 thoughts on “this is a sad post.

  1. Even though I’ve been sober for a few months, your words speak to me. After you get past the not drinking part, you are left with you. The broken, depressed, confused self you’ve been avoiding for however long you’ve been abusing yourself. I too contemplate whether the underlining depression will some day get the best of me. Then I remind myself, it’s not possible to lose this fight, as long as I keep fighting. I love your writing style, and relate to your words. I hope you do continue to post. Many relate to the struggle that is falling off and getting back on the wagon. Congratulations on continuing to try. Most don’t.

    • Thank you so much for writing. I am definitely not giving up on this- it’s not an option for me. Depression is such a scary thing- it renders hope and love invisible sometimes. It helps that intellectually, I know that things will get better. Reaching out for support has been really helpful for me, when I remember to do it! I like what you say- it’s not possible to lose the fight if you keep fighting. So true. So true.

  2. I’m so sorry you are in this dark place. we are all here for you whenever you feel able to be here. and the interaction between alcohol and depression is very real for me too. sending you lots of love. xxx

  3. I have wondered if people would feel like you do. If Robin Williams had this much trouble with all the support from family/friends and financial means what about those “lil old me’s”. I know he had planned to go to a 12 step program and I urge you to do the same. It worked for me. Now even though I can get bummed easily AA has helped me find peace!

    Irishgirl

    • Hi IrishGirl,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I was in a pretty dark place when I write that post and I was feeling like it could be possible for my depression and addiction to lead to the end of me. But through experience with this shit, I also know that things shift and change. Today I am grateful to be alive and feel a lot more hope than I was feeling the other day. I did go to an AA meeting, and it was pretty cool. I felt like I was in the right place! Everything that everyone said I could relate to. There was also some pretty inspiring women with long term sobriety. I plan on going back. Thanks for your support!

    • I am, Sharon. It’s easy to forget just how much opening up about this stuff relieves some of the burden. I’m feeling a lot better today. Thanks for stoping by.

  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I see that we share some of the same experiences…depression and alcohol abuse. My life is much different today in regards to both. There is light at the end of the tunnel and a new life, a great life. You just need to point yourself toward the light and move through that dark tunnel. Is it painful? Yes. Is it worth it? Beyond measure!

    Don’t drink for a year and see how your life changes. The misery and suffering is 100% refundable. You can always return to the bottle and depression if you find nothing redeeming after a year.

    I do know that alcoholism is a progressive illness. If you’re an alcoholic and still drinking, things will progressively get worse, never better. As far as sobriety goes, you’re ready when your ready.

    • Thanks for your comment, and support, Iceman. It’s good to hear that your life has turned around. I hear what you are saying about just pointing myself in the right direction. I know it’s one day at a time. i need to trust that. I just get so frustrated not feeling good right away, that some twisted part of my brain thinks that drinking will actually make it better. I know I need to go through what I need to go through to get sober. I have seen the illness get worse, however this didn’t always feel completely real for me because my life isn’t really getting worse. I still have the markers of a very decent, “successful” life. But what I realized is that my mind is getting worse, if that makes sense. Drinking- and the subsequent hangovers- make me feel very desperate. And, I guess, my isolating is getting worse too… which makes my mind even worse.
      I have a week sober today and I am feeling a hundred times better than I was last week. That has got to say a lot.
      Thanks for stopping by!

      • Congrats on one week!

        Alcoholism is a progressive illness. If you are an alcoholic, eventually, all those “markers” will be consumed. There are the “yet’s” that get crossed off. As in, haven’t had a DUI yet, crashed a car yet, lost a job yet, got divorced or separated yet, etc. Eventually, the pain and suffering compells you to do something. Sometimes not!

        I know isolation and suicidal ideation well. They’re both dangerous and often underestimated. The longer it is a part of your life, the longer it stays with you. Even after the cessation from the addiction.

        Today, I have a life that I never imagined. It took what it took. I’m lucky to be alive. And, I’m grateful for everyday I have.

  5. “I have fought depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction and demons.”

    Me too, Clear Lee. Me too. But there is hope. I used to succumb and fall to my addictions, pain, and suffering constantly. I used to hurt myself during blackouts, I used to hurt my boyfriend with verbal abuse and attacks. But I chose not to let my past weigh me down anymore. And each day I choose to keep fighting – to keep progressing – even if that only means I didn’t pick up and use for that day. That’s still another day of choosing to change.

    Some days are better than others, but today I am happier than I’ve ever been. I know who I am; I’m not a lost confused little girl anymore, who hides behind alcohol because she’s too afraid to feel pain and suffering – to feel disappointment and fear. I experience all those things today, along with the blessings I have in my life and I do it with a sober mind, body, and soul. I do it the way a healthy person does. I’m no where near perfect, but that’s ok. I like who I am now.

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