I haven’t been writing a lot. I feel like every time I write a blog post, I fall off the wagon. I don’t really think this is true. Perhaps it’s just another way the addiction keeps me isolated. The addiction knows that I could reach out, get support from others and continue to build sober relationships, but that scares her. She wants me all to herself. She wants me to believe that the only way to fill the void is her sick and seductive voice. She and wine are my best friends. She says wine will make me feel normal; complete; whole again. She will take any worries, inhibitions, or life stressors, and just melt them right away. She tells me that being sober is too hard, too boring, too unimportant. Life is too short. Life is too hard. The void is too deep.
I started working with my counsellor again. Damn, she’s good. I’ve said this before but I love the way we go down to rabbit hole into my psyche. Right to the core. I’ve done therapy before and I work in the field so it’s important to me to find the right person. Someone who doesn’t blow fluff and talk in cliches and calls me out. I always have epiphanies or realizations in her office. I figure something out and she always gives me something really interesting to think about between sessions. I started seeing her for drinking around this time last year. She goes away in the winter so I’ve just seen her again once so far this season.
This time I wanted to talk to her about drinking but also about another issue that weighs heavy in my heart and soul. Not quite ready to write about it here, but I am sure I will in time. One of my friends has always said I should write about it, as a way to process, and also because other women are probably going through similar things.
Okay, I’ll share a little. It’s about children, and fertility, and loss, and the choices we make.
Anyways, that story is for another time.
I’m on day 4 today and it’s 7.45pm, and I know I won’t drink tonight. I really wanted to on the way home from work. Even though I woke up this morning and felt so good and strong and confident. I felt like I had stepped through something (again;). I went for a walk at lunch time and it was so beautiful out, and I kept thinking that I am just so tired of the struggle. I either want to stop drinking and get sober and heal this part of my life, or I just want to drink my face off and not worry about it anymore. I’m tired of being stuck in the middle of the two roads. I’ve got to shit or get off the pot, as they say.
Then I don’t know what happened but I thought about booze all the way home. I ate a snack and relaxed for about 30 minutes, reading sober blogs. Then- I did an exercise video! I did it yesterday too. It’s 22 minutes of strength, cardio and abs circuit. I am pretty out of shape so it knocked me on my ass. I did a bit of gentle yoga afterwards and I can honestly say that the urge to drink was just gone. I made a delicious healthy dinner, sat on my back patio in the fading sunlight to eat, and now I’m writing on the patio. I really contemplated going to a meeting tonight, because let’s face it, evenings are LONG without the booze! But I wanted to write a blog post. Or, that was my excuse for not going to a meeting anyways. I’ve been to a few AA meetings in the past, but I am honestly just freaked out about them. I am so scared to speak in a group, even though I do it all the time professionally. But I do think meetings will be a part of my recovery. I just feel I need the extra support and would like to meet some sober friends.
I’ve also decided to tell my family about my struggles with alcohol but I haven’t decided when yet. I am close with my family and the main reasons I haven’t told them are because I am ashamed, and because I don’t want them to worry about me. I almost did on mother’s day but then I thought that might upset my mom and I didn’t want to do that on mama’s day. Not that she will be compeltely shocked, I reckon. Out of everyone in my life, she is the only person who has ever mentioned how much wine I drink.
But, one thing at a time. First I’ll get myself to a meeting. Then, tell the family. In the meantime, I will do everything in my power to stay sober.