broken records.

I must remind myself that this is all part of the journey. I’ve barely been able to think about writing a blog post this past week as I’ve been struggling to maintain sobriety. I know I start this blog to document my struggles and this includes the ups and the downs, but I just couldn’t stand to report that I’d had to reset back to Day One twice in the past week. “Back to Day One again”… I sound like a broken record. And who likes broken records?

But, I know that there’s value in this. I don’t want to sound like a broken record and this is the point. I want to finally surpass this broken cycle and heal those deeply carved grooves in the soundtrack of my mind.

So, I must continue to document. I read Sunny Sanguinity’s post today about “blogging like no one was reading” and the value of trying to be more honest on her blog (I love that expression, BTW. My husband and I travelled in India earlier this year and we thought the tag line for India should be “India- Eat like no one is watching”. The food was beyond amazing! We stuffed ourselves silly).

It’s a bit of a negotiation, isn’t it? Trying to decide what to put out there. When I think about what I wrote in my drinking story, I realize how much I just skimmed on the surface of my story. I didn’t talk about how, at my worst, I hid alcohol from my husband and family. The stupid, dangerous things I have done drunk. Or the many nights- and days- I have spent vomiting and not being able to keep anything down because of binging, the times I haven’t been able to go to work because I was hungover, or the friend I lost to an overdose at the height of our partying days.

Essentially these sober blogs are for our own healing, yet, the public nature of them gives it double meaning as we are also writing for an audience, perhaps for the audience’s own possibilities of healing. I think there is a lot to be said for recognizing ourselves in another. I know the blogs I read give me hope, comfort, inspiration and make me feel less alone in my suffering. And I find that in the honesty of the writing.

While I’m not proud that I have had two more Day One’s in the last week, I am proud that I keep trying. I know that I will figure this out with time. Last night, a Friday night, I was sitting alone at home thinking how amazing it was that I was sober! It would have been so easy to pop to the liquor store and get a bottle of wine. There is strength in me somewhere that wants to do this. I think it’s because I am starting to finally realize that any life sober is going to be better than the life I was living caught in that nasty drinking cycle. I am not going to stop giving up. I miss myself too much.

I know it’s going to be hard. But I read other blogs and see that I will be able to enjoy sunny BBQ’s again, road trips, vacations, holidays, dinner parties, and perhaps even some dancing, sober. I miss that carefreeness of my youth and early adulthood and I think I am still connecting it to my partying days. I need to rewrite the story and focus on how the activities themselves, not the booze, gave me feelings of joy and freedom. And I think a tool for my sobriety is continuing to write this blog, even when I can’t stand to see what comes out. Then I can re-read old entries and remind myself, when my selective amnesia kicks in, why I don’t want to go back to drinking.

Happy Saturday!

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6 thoughts on “broken records.

      • The documentation of your journey stands to help so many. I read sober blogs before finally making the leap. It’s nice to know that you’re not the only one struggling. I love watching people succeed in controlling this disease.I’m not going to lie though. In the early days it made me feel like less of a loser when I read about someone’s relapse. That sounds horribly selfish to me now but it’s what helped me get through those tough first days. Now when I read of relapse, I think about them being closer to finally having their last drink.

        So, keep in telling your story because not only are you helping yourself, you’re helping countless others.

  1. I love your phrase, ‘healing those deeply carved grooves in the soundtrack of my mind’. I think this is behind everything we are trying to do in recovery. recognising behaviour patterns that do not serve us: escaping from them: and creating new and positive paths for ourselves.

    as you say, so easy to go back to that groove, take the trip to the liquor store. you didn’t do it for twenty days and you recognised how valuable it was. and all those days are in your pocket, from all of them you have learnt lessons that stand you in good stead every day. sobriety is cumulative and counting days is a construct which we use to help us, not to hinder us and make us feel bad that we are ‘back’ to day 1.

    it is your choice, always, what you write here. what serves you best. take from it what you need. all the best, P xxx

    • Thanks, Primrose. When I look back at the past two months I have had a lot of sober days, and I guess that counts for something, right? Strange how I choose to feel badly about the day one’s instead of feeling good about all the sober time I’ve recently had. One thing is clear- I’m not giving up. No matter how many times I falter. Thanks for your support and kind words, as always! xo

  2. I’m always glad to read a new post, Lee, good for you. I struggle with the sober honesty as well, but I’m finding that the further away from the last drink I get, the easier it is to be honest. It becomes less a part of me that I’m revealing, more a part of my past. It is difficult, though. I’m also audience-hungry, and my sober blog is where I’m doing most of my writing these days, and I really sometimes want to link it to my friends and to my ‘real’ blog which is pretty defunct…but I think that’s too dangerous, because maybe I’ll need to let out some ugly and have no space left to do it if I do that.

    Anyway. Good for you for coming back time after time, and not losing that focus. Hang in there.

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