I have to admit that the last 2 weeks have been kind of easy for me. I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted to drink but overall I’ve been really positive and optimistic and have found ways to distract myself and get over cravings.
Until last night. I don’t know what happened but I just desperately wanted to drink. I went out for dinner with a friend (I choose a sushi restaurant because I know they have crap wine and I wouldn’t be as tempted to drink) and all night I was so distracted and heady. I just didn’t feel like myself. I felt socially awkward. With one of my best friends. I couldn’t stand it. It made me think though about how much I probably used alcohol as a social lubricant. I’ve been thinking lately about how I’m probably more of an introvert, who tends to be outgoing, than an extrovert. I like people and socializing, and in my family I’ve always been the “social butterfly”… but really I tend to be quite internal and at times socializing actually takes a significant amount of energy for me. Especially sober. Which is probably why I’ve drank as much as I have in the past.
I’ve always hung out with very social people and been part of very lively party crowds. Among friends, I tend to be the quieter one and the one who appears to have her shit together (haha). I’ve always been told that I have a “calming” or grounding presence. Not many people know about the chaos that often lives inside of me. My best friends are very very outgoing and social people- life of the party types- while I’ve always been more of the sidekick. I think that I’ve always secretly judged myself to these friends and felt that they are more “fun” than me; that people like them more. I think I’ve used alcohol and drugs to try to compensate for this inner-felt inadequacy. Alcohol and drugs allowed me to forget myself and my inhibitions and become more outgoing, funny, carefree, and cool. I think I have an ingrained belief that I am not good enough as I am- a bit quieter, calmer, introspective. I’ve always tended to surround myself with very outgoing people who bring out the more outgoing side of me. It’s not that I’m super shy and reserved, in fact, I’m pretty sociable and outgoing for an introvert. It’s just that I’m not like most of my friends. I’m not the life of the party and I hate being the centre of attention. I enjoy being with one person or a smaller group of people that I know well instead of a big party. I like meeting new people, but I have to be int he right mood, and it takes me a while to form lasting relationships. I prefer having a handfuls of close friends opposed to large groups of people I only know on the surface.
Anyways I’m not sure why I’m writing about all of this. I suppose it’s just part of me figuring out why I drank and what’s hard about giving it up. Alcohol and drugs allowed me into a different world for quite a long time- a big fun hedonistic party world. But then that world stopped becoming fun and I stopped knowing how to be myself, or to be by myself, without the booze. It became normal for me to know myself as the drinker and I started to forget who I was.
So I don’t feel comfortable without the booze anymore. That’s why it’s hard to be sober. I don’t feel comfortable being myself.
It’s uncomfortable and it’s hard and I don’t know how to be me without booze all the time. So I’m going to fake it til I make it.