more beginnings.

I’ve had three Day One’s in the last week. It has not been pretty. I’ve begun to realize that because there is going to be a LAST Day One, I may as well start now. How much more convincing myself do I need that I have a problem with alcohol? I mean, really. In the last few years, I have read a gazillion books on addiction, I have sought counselling (a few times), I have checked out in-person and online recovery meetings, I have bought yoga and recovery dvd’s, I have mediated on it, I have followed and read websites and blogs about being sober, and I have started my own blog about it. And yet, sometimes I actually still doubt that I really need to stop drinking! This is insanity. Actually no… this is addiction, isn’t it? There’s that saying that goes, “it you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve already got”, or something like that. I’m quite confident that I could continue this pattern of drinking, reading and surfing recovery and sober resources (and not actually applying them), stopping for a bit, starting again, repeat… for the rest of my life. My drinking- if I continue it- is never going to suddenly change for the better. However what will change is that my mind will become less and less clear, my body will deteriorate, my personality will dim, and my purpose will vanish. You get the picture. Alcohol would be slowly killing me. It is slowly killing me. My spirit in the very least, but I know it’s negatively impacting all parts of me.

I was writing to Belle that wolfie has been eerily quiet the last two or three days. Every so often I get so sick of drinking, so tired of the struggle, that the desire to drink actually goes away. It’s rare, but it happens sometimes. That’s where I am right now. I’m on Day 3 today. I started a new job yesterday and I am refusing to drink during this time. I need to be clearheaded in my work. It is an absolute truth that if I want to succeed in my work (and I believe that my work is one of my purposes of being on this crazy planet) that I need to stop drinking.

I only have a few followers but I already feel the support from the sobersphere, it is truly amazing. This is what I’ve been feeling like I’ve been missing all these years when I’ve tried to quit. So, to more beginnings, here we go…

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4 thoughts on “more beginnings.

  1. Well done for starting again. That is the hardest thing, because each Day 1 is the hardest day. Every day after that gets easier. That’s a great quote! I also like the one about success being the ability to stand up one more time than you fall down. Keep standing up, and keep standing up to Wolfie! I’m not on commission 😉 but would really recommend signing up for Belle’s podcasts if you haven’t already done so. They’re great for listening to in the car and helping the message sink in. Hang in there!

    • Thanks for adding that quote to the mix! If I know one thing right now it’s that I’m not giving up on this. No matter how many times it takes me, I will get there. I guess that is success!
      I need to give myself the gift of an extended period of time (or perhaps forever but I don’t like to say that word) sober. Cheers.

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