Another day, another day One.
My addict beast brain was in FULL force last night. I gave in. I slept horribly, woke up with a splitting headache, had to cancel a walk with a friend. All for what? So I could get wasted and listen to music by myself- my addicted self tells me I am quite a riot when this happens. Last night I kept telling myself that I was going to give moderation a try. I feel like a waste of life today. Was it worth it?
Today I realized that I have to be honest with myself if I am ever going to get better. So I did something big. I let go of something else that I’ve been hanging on to and using to fill up a void in me. Another addiction. Another beast in my brain. I had to let go of this thing so that I can heal. It’s hard to put into words why it’s connected to my drinking but I know it just is. It’s another part of my addicted self playing out, if that makes sense. And I am going to miss it, I found a lot of comfort in it, but, like all addictions, it was torturous. I hated who I was when I engaged in it, I hated how out of control I felt with it and I hated how I kept using it even though it was SO bad for me. I am tired of hating who I am. That’s what addiction does for me, it makes me hate myself. When I am my highest self- moments and times when I am free from addiction- I actually really like, even love myself. I need to be in that place. I need to get on top of this. I can’t live like this anymore. I haven’t been really living for a long time, just surviving. Just getting from one thing to the next… not thriving.
I wrote to Belle (Tired of Thinking about Drinking) yesterday that I am so scared to get sober. I don’t even really know why. I guess it could be scared of the unknown. Who am I without this crutch? Maybe I don’t know and that’s what I’m scared of. I’ve been drinking and partying for so long… 25 years. And I am only 37!
I understand how in AA they say you need to put our sobriety first. I have to start doing this. When I quit drinking I usually do some work for a few days, a couple of weeks, and then I try to forget about it and just think that magically I will continue to be sober. But I’m realizing that this isn’t the way. I need to keep working at it, every day. I guess I have some fear around being consumed with “recovery”, but it’s not like I’m not consumed with it anyways! I just need to be consumed in the right way. On staying sober. I need to admit that I have a problem. I have a problem with alcohol and addiction. I need to own up to this. I don’t need it to define me, but I need to accept it. I need to get better.