a new day.

Another day, another day One. 

My addict beast brain was in FULL force last night. I gave in. I slept horribly, woke up with a splitting headache, had to cancel a walk with a friend. All for what? So I could get wasted and listen to music by myself- my addicted self tells me I am quite a riot when this happens. Last night I kept telling myself that I was going to give moderation a try. I feel like a waste of life today. Was it worth it? 

Today I realized that I have to be honest with myself if I am ever going to get better. So I did something big. I let go of something else that I’ve been hanging on to and using to fill up a void in me. Another addiction. Another beast in my brain. I had to let go of this thing so that I can heal. It’s hard to put into words why it’s connected to my drinking but I know it just is. It’s another part of my addicted self playing out, if that makes sense. And I am going to miss it, I found a lot of comfort in it, but, like all addictions, it was torturous. I hated who I was when I engaged in it, I hated how out of control I felt with it and I hated how I kept using it even though it was SO bad for me. I am tired of hating who I am. That’s what addiction does for me, it makes me hate myself. When I am my highest self- moments and times when I am free from addiction- I actually really like, even love myself. I need to be in that place. I need to get on top of this. I can’t live like this anymore. I haven’t been really living for a long time, just surviving. Just getting from one thing to the next… not thriving. 

I wrote to Belle (Tired of Thinking about Drinking) yesterday that I am so scared to get sober. I don’t even really know why. I guess it could be scared of the unknown. Who am I without this crutch? Maybe I don’t know and that’s what I’m scared of. I’ve been drinking and partying for so long… 25 years. And I am only 37! 

I understand how in AA they say you need to put our sobriety first. I have to start doing this. When I quit drinking I usually do some work for a few days, a couple of weeks, and then I try to forget about it and just think that magically I will continue to be sober. But I’m realizing that this isn’t the way. I need to keep working at it, every day. I guess I have some fear around being consumed with “recovery”, but it’s not like I’m not consumed with it anyways! I just need to be consumed in the right way. On staying sober. I need to admit that I have a problem. I have a problem with alcohol and addiction. I need to own up to this. I don’t need it to define me, but I need to accept it. I need to get better. 

 

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2 thoughts on “a new day.

  1. You deserve not just to survive, but to thrive. You know that this is hard – I hope you can also believe that it is worth it. Wishing you well on this exciting new adventure! Hang in there.

    • Thank you! The challenge for me is believing with my whole self that it is worth it. I’m working on it and it helps so much to read other peoples experiences.

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