alive.

I just have to get some thoughts down. I feel like I’ve had a bit of an awakening. It is the awakening I have been waiting for. For years I’ve been trying to balance being healthy with being extremely unhealthy. Flirting with the good life- I even took a yoga teacher training course and was practicing and meditating a few times a week. I’ve done almost every cleanse and style of eating (I hate to say the word ‘diet’, although, that’s essentially what they were). Chasing the idea that health comes in a quick fix. All the while really knowing that it doesn’t. But still chasing nonetheless. All the while drinking alcohol almost every night. Almost every night for the last 10+ years. Hating my relationship with alcohol, hating my relationship with food, with my body. All the while pretending to be some kind of yogi/healthy foodie. An inner battle raging in me all of the time. Confused because I didn’t want to live a life that was so so healthy that I couldn’t have a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate, but then this would cascade into half a bottle of scotch and fast food. Pizza and red wine. Ice cream. Lots of bread. Take out. Vodka. Sugar. I would then beat myself up for this, for living out of line with how I thought I should be living. All the while the ego would say, “you don’t want to be one of those vain girls who cares about body image, do you?” and then the same ego would answer, “but, you’re a fat disgusting pig”.

I have been waiting for the voice of love for some time now. I am having some kind of an awakening. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to treat myself like that. None of that is being my highest self. It’s not about not caring about what I eat and it’s not about eating to be thin or “healthy”. I have to nourish this body, I have to clean it out. I have to do this so that I can be clear and alive and awake. I have to do this to be natural. I have to do this so that I can rise above all the crap and be present for my self. I am in my head too much, letting my ego rule me. Letting my ego toss me around like a rag doll. There is no room for love, for inner guidance, for the Creator to come into my life through this noise and this mess. I have to get out of my own way. I know I am meant for greater things than this. Than to toil around feeling lost and sorry for myself, eating and drinking toxins, wallowing about not finding my way but never clearing myself out for it. I haven’t been making room for it.

This is what I am starting to do now. And it’s not going to come all at once. But I have let go of alcohol, sugar, wheat and gluten, processed foods, most dairy. These were things that brought me down. Alcohol has been like a prison for me. An endless cycle of drinking, depression, drinking, self-loathing, loss of control, fog, and darkness. It’s been such hell for me that I am not sure what even draws me to alcohol. It’s only been just over one week and I do feel different. I am starting to feed the voice of love by learning new things and listening to/reading others that have followed a similar path. Finding teachers. Being open to seeing things in a new way. Being open to letting my life change. Being willing to make the changes I need to. I’ve been in a rut for a long time without a lot of growth. I’ve been stuck in my head for a long time. Feeling like life is hard and at times not worth living. It all feels so clear to me now that there’s been another way and I’ve been flirting with other ways for a long time but have never embraced it. Embraced a path of higher living. Of pure living. I am ready now.

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2 thoughts on “alive.

  1. Ah.
    Welcome back
    This popped into my email and i was happy to see it
    I don’t really blog anymore. But I’m still sober moving towards 10 years
    When I first got sober i didn’t try to do anything else No diets. No exercise no beating myself up for anything. I loved and allowed myself to be sober Being sober was my hobby and I gave it all I had.
    Please be gentle with yourself. One step at a time
    You can do this!

    • Hey Mish! This is actually an old post, I was reading through last nights for the first time in a few years. I think I hit publish on it accidentally or something!
      I am now 4.5 years sober:) I haven’t blogged or even logged on to WordPress for a long time.
      Congrats on your almost 10 years- that is amazing!

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